This New York City Domestic Violence Awareness Event Arguably Fell Flat.

One year out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, 22-year-old Kamila Young  attended a Domestic Violence Awareness event on November 15th hosted by Comites NY, a women’s rights nonprofit in Manhattan. The roundtable discussion featured attorneys specializing in criminal, family and immigration law as well as a licensed therapist with training in domestic violence response. The panel hoped to spread awareness about the nature of abusive relationships and available resources for victims in New York City. But Young left feeling disappointed and concerned that the discussion would not reach its intended audience.

“There's no way I would've called a hotline because I didn't even consider it a fully abusive dynamic until months after I got out of it. I just know that I felt really confused and the relationship felt really unhealthy, but I wasn't comfortable using the word ‘abusive,’” says Young. 

She is not alone. Many women do not identify as victims of abuse despite having the experience. A 2018 study run by Cosmopolitan.com/UK, in partnership with Women's Aid, found that 34% of women said they had experienced sexual or emotional abuse at the hands of a romantic partner. Among the remaining respondents, an additional 43% said that they had experienced “at least one potentially abusive behavior from their partner.

“I remember my friends the whole time would be like, ‘he's so manipulative.’ And, there was such an emotional disconnect when they said that where I would think, ‘I don't even know what that word means,’” says Young. “I would've really appreciated it if the panel had said something like ‘these are the reasons why it's emotionally difficult for women to leave.’”

According to former researcher and associate professor of John Jay College of Criminal Justice, Abby Stein, many women suppress their anger while in abusive relationships. Their struggle to recognize, experience and process negative emotions can make it difficult to recognize that they have agency, including the choice to leave. “Abused women are enslaved as much by this narrative of passivity as they are by their partners’ suffocating control and the seeming randomness of their attacks,” says Stein. 

Like so many others, Young was unaware that she was in an abusive relationship. This confusion made it difficult for her to leave. Part of her disappointment in the panel was that the discussion did not help her understand her own confusion at the time that she was being abused. Instead, the speakers focused mainly on legal obstacles that prevent women from receiving justice. 

Researchers such as Stein note that resources for domestic violence victims often focus on material needs for shelter, daycare, employment and legal protection. Yet, even when these protections are provided, women may still find it hard to leave. 

“It's just so much more confusing than ‘he was nice at first and then he was mean,’” says Young. “That perspective makes it really difficult to identify abuse and I feel like it can create silences for people who don't want to talk badly about the people that they love.” 

Alessandra Sabbatini, a licensed social worker and one of the panel speakers, agrees, “People stay in violent relationships for all the same reasons that people stay in normal relationships. They made an investment and want to see it turn out for the better.”

“When the conversation becomes ‘the person is either good or bad’ that's when people stop responding,” says Young. “The event made it seem like the problem is that women are trusting people who are untrustworthy. The message should have been that they should be trusting themselves more.”